When to have a baby
Wow, isn't this a loaded question. I suppose the right answer would be that you have a baby when you are ready. But the funny part is - how do you know when you are ready to have a baby. I was recently eavesdropping on a conversation and it is what has led me to talk about this issue.
There I was sitting at lunch on the patio at work, something I seldom do when I heard two women having a conversation. When I heard what they were talking about, I wanted to turn around to see their faces but decided against it. We make so many decisions based on what people look like and we put them in the neat little boxes our brains assign them to, that I decided against that option in favor of just listening to what they had to say.
Apparently one of the girls had been been with a guy for quite some time - some five or so years. As to whether they were married or living together I wasn't able to ascertain since I didn't look for the telltale ring. What saddened me was when I heard her begin to say that she thought she might have to end the relationship because the guy wanted children and she didn't. She claimed that she loved children but had no wish or urge to mother any anytime in the near future. Her girlfriend then chimed up that she didn't think she didn't want to have children, she thought that she didn't want to have children for the guy she was with. The first young lady didn't answer for a while and I began to get the feeling that she was giving it some serious thought. She didn't answer and they moved away - presumably to get back to class and so I was left thinking about this issue.
I then began to wonder how many women were in this situation. Women who had convinced themselves that they didn't want to have children simply because the guy they were with was not good father material or because they situation they found themself in was so shaky that they had decided against bringing a child into the fray.
I don't blame these women for making this decision since being a parent is a lifetime commitment. However, I wonder why they stay with somone who is not the kind of person you would raise a child with. After getting married, Paul and I knew that we would wait a year before getting pregnant...I got pregnant 15 months after we got married and I think we'd made enough progress as a couple to tackle parenthood. I think also that because I was very clear about wanting children that I made it clear that we HAD to get our act together. That decision made us examine things and approach various choices we had very differently than had we known we had no future with children in it.
So I hope that that young lady doesn't bury her head in the sand about wanting children because she's with a guy who she knows either isn't reliable or would make a parent hold her back. You can't spend your life with someone who isn't going to allow you to reach your full potential.
There I was sitting at lunch on the patio at work, something I seldom do when I heard two women having a conversation. When I heard what they were talking about, I wanted to turn around to see their faces but decided against it. We make so many decisions based on what people look like and we put them in the neat little boxes our brains assign them to, that I decided against that option in favor of just listening to what they had to say.
Apparently one of the girls had been been with a guy for quite some time - some five or so years. As to whether they were married or living together I wasn't able to ascertain since I didn't look for the telltale ring. What saddened me was when I heard her begin to say that she thought she might have to end the relationship because the guy wanted children and she didn't. She claimed that she loved children but had no wish or urge to mother any anytime in the near future. Her girlfriend then chimed up that she didn't think she didn't want to have children, she thought that she didn't want to have children for the guy she was with. The first young lady didn't answer for a while and I began to get the feeling that she was giving it some serious thought. She didn't answer and they moved away - presumably to get back to class and so I was left thinking about this issue.
I then began to wonder how many women were in this situation. Women who had convinced themselves that they didn't want to have children simply because the guy they were with was not good father material or because they situation they found themself in was so shaky that they had decided against bringing a child into the fray.
I don't blame these women for making this decision since being a parent is a lifetime commitment. However, I wonder why they stay with somone who is not the kind of person you would raise a child with. After getting married, Paul and I knew that we would wait a year before getting pregnant...I got pregnant 15 months after we got married and I think we'd made enough progress as a couple to tackle parenthood. I think also that because I was very clear about wanting children that I made it clear that we HAD to get our act together. That decision made us examine things and approach various choices we had very differently than had we known we had no future with children in it.
So I hope that that young lady doesn't bury her head in the sand about wanting children because she's with a guy who she knows either isn't reliable or would make a parent hold her back. You can't spend your life with someone who isn't going to allow you to reach your full potential.
posted by SueMorrWill @ 1:24 PM
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